It takes a village to raise a child. A tribe to grow and develop you as a mother. I personally resonate with this. After all, there’s that saying which goes ‘you are the sum of the closest five people around you’.
Change your tribe, you’ll change who you are. Simple.
Who are the five closest people around you? Do they continue to align with your aspirations in life and as a parent?
In order to get to where you want to go, you may have to push past your comfort zone and surround yourself with the people who also want to get there.
It’s not being harsh.
It’s not dismissing and ditching people you love.
It’s about developing you.
The two kinds of mums I meet
After becoming a mum, I would notice typically two kinds of people I’d meet (and this is over simplifying it for the purpose of this blog). Those mums who desperately wanted to get back to who they were and those who wanted to become a new version of themselves.
There’s no right or wrong. There’s just understanding that you’re in a new chapter of your life and life is different now after having a little one in tow. The awareness I felt about the fragility of life and that ‘circle of life’ (*cue Lion King soundtrack*) was unreal. It’s still something I think about whenever I see my daughter. We’re not here forever.
What tribe do you belong to?
Tell me, how are you adjusting to this new, intense but immensely rewarding stage of your life?
Here are some of the things that have helped me understand more about myself and the tribe that surrounds me to help me be the best version of…well, me.
- Don’t be afraid to make new friends
It can feel a little out of your comfort zone to attend that baby class or join that antenatal group. However these are great ways of meeting with people who are going through a similar thing as you, and are maybe even at the exact same stage of it too.
It’s not about making life-long friends (although who knows!), finding people you can relate to, get along with and can speak to without any judgement. I have found some mum friends who never did any kind of baby class or antenatal group as they said they already had their tribe. So I’d dare those mums to try it because it’s through these spaces you may grow some more too.
2. Recognise the changes and embrace them, don’t feel like you need to apologise
Things are different. I breastfed for the first year of my daughter’s life so for me going out with friends just wasn’t going to be the same. My daughter fed around the clock and wasn’t a great sleeper. I didn’t mind though and I actually didn’t need to apologise for what was a choice I had happily made. It may not be understood by friends or family as to why you’ve chosen to do it. They may be baffled by your lack of wanting ‘to get back out there’ or ‘have a night off’ but if you’re happy with your choice then don’t feel the need to apologise. You’ll feel better for it.
3. Run towards the love
I had an incredible conversation with a friend about this one. We both pondered this for some time as we looked at how we find ourselves often running towards people where there is no love in return. We are the givers. It’s one-sided and results in us feeling exhausted, disappointed and smaller.
Think about the people who fill your cup, who reach out regularly to see how you are, who spend time with you, who are transparent with you and who challenge you in the best way. Don’t waste your time (which is finite) on those where you are not a priority. You’ll be amazed at how things change when the energy shifts or maybe you’ll be more shocked than anything about how balanced a relationship can actually be!
4. Things change, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing
The fact is that your friendships will change. It may mean you don’t speak as often to some friends. It may mean you’re suddenly closer to others or that your circle is completely different from what it was two years ago. Change isn’t a bad thing. It’s different. We can cling onto the way things were because it’s comfortable but actually embracing the new circle doesn’t lessen the other friendships. I’d argue it makes them better because you can be around those who grow you and that positive vibe is only going to rub off when you meet your wider network of friends.
5. Insatiably believe in yourself
You know what? We don’t believe in ourselves enough. I think my own personal experience stemmed from failing my 11+ exams as I desperately at the age of 10 wanted to go to the local grammar school. I had such a firm belief in my capabilities, studied like crazy and yet I didn’t get in (missed it by all of 4 points!). I was devastated. However, my mum appealed on my behalf and I was granted a place. To say I was deliriously excited doesn’t truly reflect that moment. The fact remains that there was this sense of ‘not belonging’ and ‘having to prove why I’m there’ when I entered into secondary education.
You’d think this would mean I’d have an insatiable belief in myself but actually it ebbed and flowed throughout my childhood and adulthood life as I would ponder and doubt my true capabilities – am I actually good enough to be here? Part of this class and later part of this board room?
As a mum, I’ve been reflecting on this self-belief and seeking that fierce belief I possessed in my 10-year-old self; the one where I saw the endless possibilities ahead of me. I’m bottling all of that into a motherhood jar as I say to myself that I can do this and nothing is harder than this. I got this and so do you.
In conclusion…
Finally, when you find that tribe, you’ll just know. You’ll feel happy, energised and motivated. It won’t feel like hard work. You’ll feel a sense of growth and admiration for them. You won’t feel the need to change to suit their feelings or expectations, you can be you.
It can feel strange at first because there may be new faces, people you didn’t expect but being open to this new chapter and the changes that may come your way is the best way for navigating what is an EPIC chapter of life.
Some places to find your tribe and here’s a blog about my own personal experience of antenatal groups: